"Excuse you?" Even though she was used to this ping-pong of bantering between her and her mentor (and frankly, with a lot of people Kate cared for), there was a true hint of indignation in there too. "Lila is the second most rensponsible person in that house after Laura," she agreed. "But - But I'm the adult and honorary family member!" Did it help that she was mockingly pouting with that statement?
Her mood had sure improved a little as Clint presented that whole bag of arrows for her to check out. Kate's face said it all, her mouth turning into an 'o' shape of wonder as she pulled out a few, checking the labels attached to each shaft and getting excited every time she found a new description.
That is, until Clint completely caught her around a curve and totally by surprise. Her jaw dropped as her brain went at full-speed through every possible excuse. "I'm not - I'm,,, It - It had nothing -- It has nothing to do with Matt," she argued. Oh, God, what if he hears? Will he worry? "I was shot today, Clint."
Good. Good, play the victim card. Sometimes those work.
"You are a family member." He made a point to leave out the honorary part, because Clint didn't make that distinction. "The adult part... maybe when Lucky is around to supervise your choices." He might be teasing her a little, but it went both ways. Kate certainly needled him in return in her own way.
He smiled a little as she exclaimed over the arrows. They could divvy them up and replenish her stock tomorrow, and he'd do as promised and teach her a few new tricks in how to make them. It seemed like she could use a little treat.
The expression on his face said that he wasn't buying her answer. He knew Kate well enough to know it had to be something she really didn't want to talk about for her to play the victim card. Most vigilantes would rather die than admit they cared at all about having been hurt. Case in point, the idiot in the living room. "You were shot today. I don't buy that's what is bothering you now, so you could just say you don't want to talk about it instead of lying to me. To which I'd say you should tell someone, because right now isn't the time for anyone to let things fester. And that we could all use some shut eye if you need to sleep on it."
It always touched her when Clint showed no hesitation on sharing so much love. Just like Laura had welcomed her with open arms the first time she visited the farm, almost as if she had known Kate her whole life. Clint didn't just talk shit, he meant every word. He had welcomed her in, in a way that Kate knew that if she ever got sick for some reason of New York, she would always have a home with the Bartons. "Does that make me your eldest now?," she teased. "Or is it Lucky?"
Realizing she'd quickly gone through every novelty in the bag, Kate started putting the arrows back in. It was a nice pause for her to think after Clint had started calling her out on her worries.
Unlike their previous conversation, in which she had no clue that Matt might be upset about anything she might say about asking Clint to help opening the eyes of New York... This was different. This was adressing something she had never dared to say outloud. Something that made her very conscious of Matt's presence in the house and his abilities.
...
Perhaps it was a good chance to get something out of her chest. Something left at chance, since there was the possibility that he wasn't paying attention, not at all. Matt was, after all, talking to his girlfriend right now. Probably.
"It's not a big deal." Finally Kate spoke up. She couldn't look at Clint in the eye, seeming too focused on the arrow she kept rolling between her fingers. "I just worry about him sometimes. He is having a super hard time and went through so much, but keeps demanding so much more of himself."
"If we're going dog years, and we're absolutely going dog years, Lucky gets seniority. Anything that you know wouldn't fly for the dog, rethink. You land a trusty second." Clint's voice is deadpan, but he hopes Kate knows that he does trust her. That after Laura, there's nobody left alive that he'd trust more with the kids than her. As adult as they are, if he could have his whole family in a bubble he would - but short of that? Kate, protecting his kids as they learned to defend themselves. And him and Laura, the last line of defense.
That was the thing about having kids. Clint had saved the world. Would he sacrifice it now for his kids including Kate?
It was better he retired, knowing his answer.
He would always choose his family.
Sharon wouldn't. That SHIELD Agent that Clint knew well, who was Laura's friend. She would save the world over anyone. Sharon would give them a head start, to run, but she wouldn't save them. She would sit back on Fisk, to catch a larger fish. Fury's protege. A position Clint never wanted. A position he couldn't fill. He wanted a family.
He didn't want Kate to ever settle for less.
He moved to sit next to her. To thread his fingers through her hair, like he did his kids. No words. He wouldn't give it voice if she didn't.
"What matters to you matters to me. Matt's fine, though. I talked to him. I'm worried right now about you."
"So, that puts Laura first, Lucky second, me third and that means you're..." She makes a vague gesture with her hand. "Fourth place for you? It's a hard call, you're neck-to-neck with Lila." It spoke for itself, how joking marked Kate's mood improvement. Because, unlike Matt, being broody for long is not her style. Specially not when she is so genuinelly happy to have Clint there with them.
Not completely broody anyway. Certainly not on the surface.
Kate's smile became softer, more genuine and relaxed as she closed her eyes, tipping her head as she leaned into Clint's touch. It was such a sweet gesture. Simple and yet it felt meaningful. The sort of tenderness she had missed.
"I'm okay," she says, ignoring the nasty bruises on her face that beg to differ. Right now, their hearts were so heavy that the real load was in the way they carried them.
God, is it really okay to speak? It should be. This is a private moment between her and Clint, why shouldn't she speak her mind?
"But, it's like..." Trying to find the words and, most importantly, know if she'll regret about saying them outloud, Kate stares at her own lap. At the way her fist has closed around the blanket. "I can't go back home yet. And Matt lost his place, he lost everything. We've been pretty much on the run every night, pretending things are normal during daytime. Barely sleeping and recovering."
Matt had covered for her so many times. Putting excuses for her to rest a little longer, convincing their hosts to distract her in some way as he left to do patrol earlier. Always granting her those extra five minutes of rest.
"It's tough. I know you know, because I know you've been through worse." With the Avengers or SHIELD. Clint sure had his rough patches. Times in which he stayed low, hiding, on the run. "So I know you know the importance of having a good partner. I have that in Matt."
Kate's gaze met Clint's.
"So yeah, I know he is not fine."
Is he listening?
"It's like we all expect him to carry the weight of the city on his back, because he'll do it. He is doing it. And I worry about him. Because I know he can take it." Even if it ruins his life.
"I just really, really wish he could have..." She trails off, frowning lightly as she tried to find the words. What? A normal life? Matt's tried that and for a while, she lost him. Is that the cost? Losing him again at the cost of Matt having a good, normal life? If Fisk had not returned, maybe that's what would have happened. He would be living a nice, normal life. Still helping others by finding justice in court, coming back home to a loving girlfriend. Getting a dog of his own. The white picket fence. Starting the family he's always wanted.
"I think you can return to your apartment," Clint said gently. "It made sense to avoid it during the blackout when the city was literally on fire, but now?" He gave a little shrug. "There are cameras all over the city, and Fisk knows what you all look like. He knows where you are staying. If he wanted to, he'd have attacked you inside a home a long time ago. That won't get him anything now when he's trying to present this image of order and tidiness where the only violence is in retaliation of what vigilantes are doing to the good people in public. He's after vigilantes in the streets, not young women in their homes. I'll go with you though if it'll make you feel safer." It wouldn't be the first time he and Kate stayed under the same roof.
"As for Matt being happy, he's probably as happy as he can be with his city under Fisk's thumb. As happy as we all are. He's not the only one carrying weight right now, and I'd imagine he'd be the first to point that out." At least he sincerely hoped Matt wasn't just moping around moaning about how tough his life was rather than actually being a leader right now. If he was doing that, Clint would give him a literal kick in the ass. "So the best thing we can do is get some rest and be ready for tomorrow. Claire's probably made up his bed on the sofa like she said, so you and I get this room for the night." He gave her a smirk. "You better not have started snoring."
"But..." Kate tried to protest, because Clint seemed to be shrugging off the situation. Like it really wasn't that big of a deal. "They attacked Matt in daylight today. And they left me a threat on my door before the blackout." Theyc couldn't just go back to how things were, could they? Besides, she's not gonna leave Matt on his own. He doesn't have a place and would still have to stay on the move. "And we have - We have this buddy system."
She wanted to argue, to argue with each point Clint was making and remind him that he's not been around, he does't get how things were. But she had to agree on one thing: she's incredibly tired.
The joke earned him a little playful shove in response.
"I might have started kicking."
And yet, without further arguing, Kate laid down and pulled up the covers, trying to get as comfortable as the wounds and worries would allow her.
Soon enough, they both settled down. Claire checked on them one last time, but Clint and Kate were more than comfortable. For how long did Kate manage to sleep, though? It was always so weird to sleep at a stranger's house. Or maybe she was simply too on edge lately.
Eventually, once her eyes were used to the dark after staring at that ceiling for so long, Kate slipped off the bed. Careful not to wake Clint up, she very slowly pulled the door open, limping as she made her slow way towards the living room, heading for the bathroom.
"They attacked Matt on the street, not in a home, and the bullet left for you was before the blackout and martial law was put in place," Clint reminded her. Logically, it wouldn't be as big of a win for Fisk if he now attacked Kate in her home, and Fisk needed a big win given the way public opinion was polling with him. People weren't going to buy that there was a continuous string of apartment bombings that just happened to be in the homes of vigilantes by other vigilantes. Being stuck in the past on how things were prior to the martial law being put into place wasn't doing any favors in going forward - if anything, running around changing places all the time was doing half of Fisk's work for him by wearing them down faster than was needed.
He imagined it had more to do with her not leaving Matt behind than the logic of her other arguments. "You can always ask if he wants to stay, too. Either your place or the penthouse is certainly big enough, and in a nice enough area that Fisk would think twice about blowing it up anyway now that the blackout mania is over."
Matt did hear what was going on in the bedroom. What he took away from the concerns voiced was that he was not appearing as a good leader or partner. He was coming across as weak, as broken down, as someone who inspired worry rather than hope. He didn't know how to fix that, he couldn't unwind the clock and fix mistakes when he didn't even know precisely all he'd made.
Clint did make a fair point about Kate going back to her place. Matt only meant to keep her from it the night of the blackout when the task force was operating entirely under the cover of night. Now that there was power in the city again, carrying out daytime assassinations had to be much more carefully plotted than what was done to his apartment. They wouldn't mean nearly as much as taking down vigilantes in the streets. He didn't think anyone was going to barge down Kate's door or Heather's. Today in the streets they had wanted to catch Matt on camera fighting.
His fingers lightly worried over the edge of the blanket on top of him, listening to the breathing going on around him. Claire, on the air mattress in the living room with him. Clint and Kate in the bedroom. Clint and Claire slept lightly, but he could tell Kate was awake. His eyes were open, not that he saw anything, facing upwards towards the ceiling as he heard her go towards the bathroom.
Clint had a point. And, the best thing about it was that the more she thought about it, the more she liked the idea. There was no reason why they would have to compromise the buddy system if they just moved together to her place. The penthouse made even more sense. She had a couple of guest rooms that Matt could choose from and that would be pretty comfortable. Kate had her own childhood bedroom and even the master bedroom if Clint also wanted to come. Clint would absolutely come. And there was a few couches too for anyone else. They could so make it work. Lucky would also be back home, it all just made sense.
For the first time in a while, Kate was feeling hopeful again. Had found something to look forward to. How come she and Matt had not brought it up yet?
Careful to be as quiet as possible, she headed to the bathroom, wincing once it was time to flush the toilet. Silence. Hopefully nobody woke up.
But, as she slowly made her way back to the living room, she complerely miscalculated things. Kate doubled-over in pain, covering her mouth to stop the knee-jerk reaction of crying out. Instead, she cursed under her breath.
Hearing the toilet flush just reminded Matt of the water he'd drunk earlier, but he was in the process of judging whether he could wait and make that Morning Matt's problem when there was a jump in Kate's heartrate. Hearing the stifled cursing, too quiet to wake anyone else, Matt wincingly sat up. He pressed a hand to his side for a moment to soothe the pain he felt, then achingly got to his feet and shuffled over to her. The hallway was dark where the bathroom was, but that didn't bother him. There was just a faint glow from various appliances that never went purely dark. Concern was etched on his face in the shadows. In a quiet voice he asked, "Are you all right?" He gently reached out to touch her arm in case she needed some support.
Wincing as she held her foot up, Kate used the wall for support. Her toes curled and spread as if the movement could simply shake off the pain, but she still felt it, flowing like waves.
She heard the movement before she saw the shadow join her in the hallway. Guilt instantly caught up with her. "Shit, I'm sorry," she whispered. "I didn't mean to wake you up, I'm so sorry."
And yet, Matt was as calm and gentle as ever, not sounding bothered in the slightest.
"It's all right. I wasn't asleep." Perhaps the wrong thing to admit, but it was the truth. "I could tell you weren't having an easy time of it, either." Sleeping. Was that too invasive? He couldn't help but hear it. He knew the difference between a heart truly at rest in slumber and one that wasn't. Sometimes that made those around him uncomfortable because he knew things about them they wouldn't otherwise admit. It was always a question mark over what he should share that he knew and what he should just discreetly avoid mentioning.
With his free hand he reached up and rubbed the stubble on his face. He really did need to shave. "You want some tea? It's not good tea." At least by Matt's standards. It seemed perfectly suitable to most of the population.
It was a short-lived relief, because while she was truly glad she had not interrupted his rest... Well, Matt pretty much confirmed that he'd been listening.
Wait, did he? Maybe he didn't listen at all! He just... Well, he had been listening now while the apartment was quiet and they were all supposed to sleep. It's not that weird, it's not like he can help it!
"Yeah, I think I'd like that." She isn't exactly picky about tea. "After all those naps today I'm wide awake." Nevermind that she's used to pull all-nighters. Being awake at this time for them is normal.
She tried not to limp too obviously as she followed Matt to the kitchen. "I can't believe you didn't pass out after the day you had."
Matt kept a light hand on her arm in case she needed some help moving, even though she was walking all right on her own. It was only when they reached the kitchen that Matt went to Claire's counter. He paused, his head tilted. Breathing in. He needed to smell the tea to know where it was. After a few moments he opened a cabinet and fumbled a little in it, head tilted to the side, until his fingers found the box.
Bringing it down, he let his fingers find the kettle on the stove, then started to fill it with water.
"My mind was too busy, I guess. It does that." A beat. “You must be glad having Clint around now.”
Anyone that saw them would think that this was Kate guiding Matt around. And yet, she could tell he was quietly offering support. Because that's the thing about Matt. He is always there, is always reliable.
And she is really thankful to always have him so close.
Reaching the kitchen, she turns on the light even though he doesn't need it. But she does. She's extra careful, pulling a chair to sit down as he looks around the cabinets.
"Yeah, it was a really nice surprise. Clint is like, the closest thing to family I have now." Kate shifts on the seat, her body aching in that position. "Besides, now we have an Avenger on our side."
Pulling out a chair across from her, he plopped himself down heavily to wait for the water to heat up. He knew how much Clint meant to Kate. He tried not to let it gnaw at the insecurities inside of him that he wasn't good enough for the city. That they needed an Avenger to come and save them. He should be glad that Clint is here to help. The man has invaluable skills and expertise. And Matt is glad he was there. Really.
He was just tired. That was it.
He considered the rest of what she said. No, now probably wasn't the time to question whether she saw her mother as family still or not.
"The city is lucky to have him back. And I'm glad he's back for you, too."
Kate doesn't think twice about it. She doesn't even hesitate. As soon as Matt reaches out and leans into Claire's kitchen island, Kate closes the little distance between them to reach out for his hands. She pretty much fidgets with them, discovering just how hurt his knuckles look. The tears on the skin, the small scars there. For an outsider, she might as well be practicing some form of palm reading.
She didn't need to read the lines on his hand to notice the lack of enthusiasm. But it didn't have anything to do with how tired he was, did it? Back at Josie's Matt could barely stand anymore, but he had been adamant on how important it was for them to get all the help they could.
"It's lucky for all of us," Kate corrected him. "We need all the help we can get and having an Avenger endorsing us will sure change some minds."
She did, however, remember what Clint said.
"It's gonna be a little push. Support for people to understand what we are trying to do."
He doesn't stop her from taking his hands in hers. His fingers had been worrying the edges of the blanket earlier, unable to be still, so it was nice in some ways to have someone else's soft fingers play with his instead. Kate much like himself was a tactile person, so he wasn't surprised she'd reached out to him. It was a simple, easy way to soothe, to have a moment of connection. He gave her hands a little squeeze in return.
His knuckles ached in a way that he knew they were freshly dented. Heather was going to have questions about them. About how he was looking most nights these days. How was he supposed to explain why going to the office to work every night ended in injury? If he was honest with himself, he can't.
There wasn't any way he could see moving in together ending well if he wasn't honest, but if he was honest, wouldn't she hate him for being Daredevil?
A problem for the morning. For now they were still on Clint. "I said the city was lucky. I get it. Do you take anything in your tea?"
It surprises her. Because even though she knows that Matt can become a little grumpy when he's too tired, this is still a contrast with how tender he had been most of the day. Since the morning. Since he caressed her face before going to work. Since two minutes ago when he found her on the hallway.
"Two sugars if you can find some." She frowned lightly, rubbing his thumb between her fingers.
"You know, Clint and I were talking and I think he made a great point about something. I was gonna tell you in the morning."
It was almost like a hand massage. Given how much his hands ached, Matt was reluctant to pull away to finish making the tea, but he had sugar to find for her and milk for himself. He gave her hands another light squeeze to say he wasn't pulling away out of being upset, he just had tea to make. Rising slowly to his feet, he shuffled towards her fridge and pulled out the milk. A sniff told him that it was real milk, not oat. Sigh. He set it on the table and tried to find her sugar. Kate might note that it took him longer to find the sugar, because a lot of things had sugar in them and smelled like it. Given how tired Matt was, he was more blind finding some ingredients than others.
He opened several wrong cabinets and cursed lightly under his breath when a wrong container was nearly knocked offer, muttering, "Don't overstuff your cabinets," in rebuke at the air. He wouldn't say it to Claire's face. Eventually he found the sugar. Little chemical packets. He made a face as he set them on the table for Kate.
A part of him was dreading this talk. He was still waffling on his decision to move in with Heather. He didn't want Kate to be hurt. If he didn't show the proper enthusiasm by Kate's standards and didn't say the right thing, he might upset her again. Clint had already rebuked him once for failing to be what the people around him need. An anxious ball formed in Matt's gut that he tried not to let show as he located two mugs and began to pour in the water.
"I'm gathering you want to tell me now instead. What did you want to say?"
Of course he knew, but sometimes people wanted to still own the agency of saying something rather than having Matt just say he already knew.
Unaware of how the overuse of sugar on the things most people ate and drank - she certainly did -, Kate was surprised by how Matt seemed to struggle to find something that seemed so simple. Matt, who always was incredibly aware of everything surrounding him, even of the things regular people would never notice.
He's probably just tired.
Kate waited patiently, fighting the urge to come and give him a hand. In a way, and even though she doubted Matt would be very annoyed by it, it still felt wrong to help the blind guy over a task so simple.
"Well, since we both are gathered here tonight..." Kate pointed out in that usual joyful voice of hers. She picked the packets of sugar Matt had finally handed over, twisting them in ther hands as she pinched on corner just to move to the next one.
"Things are still dangerous. But Fisk could have attacked us in any of the places where we've been staying and has chosen not to. I was thinking..." Clint had dared to say the words outloud. A thought Kate had entertained but that felt wrong. She couldn't go back home and leave Matt on his own. And inviting him to come over? No... What if he thought that she...? No. Besides, they had a system. It had been working. They were still testing the waters on what would be Fisk's next move, anyway. Now they knew.
Besides, if Clint himself didn't see nothing wrong in them finding a new base at her place then why shouldn't she offer it? It clearly meant nothing. Even her mentor knew that.
"Why don't we use the penthouse as our base? You can stay for as long as you want, pick one of the guest rooms. We have plenty of room, so I can restock on trick arrows. And, you know, there's no way Fisk will dare to attack in that part of the city. We can keep the buddy system this way." Looking after each other at all times. "And there's plenty of room for whoever might need a safe house." She sat a little more upright, the brightness of her smile putting a big contrast with how bruised her face looked. "I promise to stock the kitchen with only organic food." A beat. "Well, mostly."
"Maybe we have been being overly cautious." Matt could admit to it. There was always a risk of course that they were wrong, but there was a point that Fisk probably could have tracked them down if he tried hard enough right now. Stake out every place Matt and Kate know, watch security cameras, try and tail them... there were ways that might eventually reveal them no matter how hard they tried to hide as the days turned into weeks. In the process of moving all the time they were running themselves utterly ragged.
Plus, Matt knew that Kate had wanted to return to the penthouse since the night of the blackout.
He gave a small, tired smile at her mention of organic foods. The smile then faded a little. It sounded like Clint was staying in town for now, so Kate wouldn't be left alone. Still, for some reason it felt like he was abandoning her if he didn't go with her. Just based on what he'd overheard, Kate saw them as partners. As a team. She wouldn't leave him behind. Was he leaving her behind to go to Heather's?
"It's a decent idea. I'm sorry. Today was just a lot." A beat. "Heather asked me to move in with her." He held up a hand. "I already know all the reasons why it's a terrible idea. I'm just worried about her living alone, and being as close to Fisk as she is. I told her that even if we broke up she could always call me if she was in trouble, but I don't know if she'd take me up on that.
You're my partner too, though. I'm not leaving you behind, either. And I don't want to jeopardize our mission by living with Heather.
It's just a lot. None of which I wanted to put on you, least of all tonight, but I didn't want you to think my not smiling right now was because it was a bad idea. It's not. I just want to keep everyone safe and I'm figuring out how to do that."
It had been a leap of faith. Becacuse even though there was no real logical reason for Matt to turn down this plan, Kate couldn't help second-guessing herself. This would change everything, it would change it for the better. A place where they could rest, where they could keep equipment. And not any place, her childhood home. Somewhere that would finally feel safe.
And then it all broke apart.
Surely Matt felt it, the way her heart shattered a little. He had been prepared, holding his hand up to keep her from protesting. Being as gentle as possible as he picked up the pieces while Kate tried to wrap her mind around what Matt was saying: he was going to live with Heather. But how? What about Daredevil? Was he going to stop coming to patrol at night? How would he explain the wounds he was collecting whenever things got nasty with the task force? What about their system?
Matt spoke calmly, proving he didn't have any aswers to Kate's questions but that he knew in advance she was going to make them. As if he already knew this conversation was coming. As if he had rehearsed the perfect way of sharing the news. He had been careful and thoughtful, trying to reassure her even though he could predict she had a sour lump stuck in her throat.
He had called her his partner. They were a team. He wasn't leaving her behind.
"You heard, didn't you?"
Matt had been prepared for this conversation. Like this was another one of his cases and he was giving his final argument, leaving Kate full of questions but with the impression that there was still hope ahead.
He had even closed up his final argument with a joke. Kate couldn't help but smile sadly as she tried to wrap her mind around the fact that this was happening. Things were changing and it wasn't the perfect idea she had fabricated in her mind.
What food would she have stocked for him?
"I don't know," she shrugged, now again fidgeting with the little packet of sugar in her hands. "Anything that makes you happy."
At the end of the day that's what it is about. He is going back to Heather, hopefully to have something close to a normal life. Isn't that what Kate insisted that she wanted for him?
'Find someone you can be yourself with to talk to, so you don't go crazy.'
Matt didn't have that person any longer, and he desperately needed Foggy right now. He needed someone to talk through everything that was going on but who wouldn't be hurt by every word he said. Even now trying to tiptoe around landmines on the ground, to be what Kate needed while also not leaving Heather by herself with Fisk, he felt like he was failing. He didn't know the right thing to do or say, what was the smartest maneuver, what was the option that would keep everyone he cared about alive and well.
Even Karen who was his second oldest friend at this point he didn't want to bother because Frank was missing.
He needed Foggy. Matt needed him.
A flash of anger at his dead friend came, at Bullseye, at the world. At God. It was swiftly followed by guilt, and an awareness that wallowing would do nothing. Still. He felt alone and like he was just hurting everyone around him, and he needed help by someone. There just wasn't anyone who could fill that role.
Matt took a sip of his tea and leaned forward, covering Kate's fidgeting hands with his. They were rougher than a lawyer's should be, and warm from the mug he'd been holding. He'd give it one more shot. If he made her feel worse, he'd just suggest they all go to sleep.
"I heard. I wasn't try to. It's very hard for me to block things out on a good day." Let alone a day like today. "Even if I hadn't heard though, I would have said what I said. I do consider us a team, Kate. I told Heather that I would not abandon you. She didn't understand, but she accepted it. I don't know what's going to happen with her and I. I really don't. I think we should have a base that people can come to and stay at. Josie's is good for meetings, but it can't house people who might need someplace to crash from time to time. Especially if we keep Claire's to just those who are injured. Your place and Danny's make the most sense to use for those purposes. And I will be over there, just maybe not all the time. I'm still going out at night. I won't ever let you be alone if it's a night I'm not there. I promise you that.
I'm just trying to ensure nobody is alone. And I know I'm not doing it perfectly. I'm trying to get better at it."
She was still processing it all. Aware of all her conflicted emotions. Aware of the fact that even as she spoke to Clint, she had known there was high chances that Matt would be following every word that was uttered in that room. And that he couldn't help it.
Kate wasn't mad at him. Or at the circumstances. But was also becoming very aware of what he was doing right now. Matt had not hesitated on reaching out, on placing that rough palm that radiated the warmth of his mug of tea and covering Kate's hands with it. It was what Matt always did with everyone, wasn't it? Making sure he could somehow protect everyone and shelter them from any form of pain. Whether it was at night and at his most feral or while using a suit and being almost nurturing. Matt Murdock was a man that gave it all to make sure people were cared after.
And Kate could tell. He was desperate to say the right thing and protect her right now. Protect his friend of something he didn't have control over. Protect Kate while trying to have somewhat of a normal life, while trying his damnest not to make her feel like he had betrayed her.
"Matt..." Letting go of the packet of sugar, she pulled one of her hands from under that calloused but gentle palm of his, covering it with one of her own. As warm as his hand was, Kate found that the back of it was cold. Nobody, nobody was there to protect Matt himself. Nobody showed the same care, nobody was there for him to try and make sure he wasn't driving himself mad with all those worries.
She didn't want to give him more reasons to worry.
Out of the blue, Kate chuckled softly.
"Matt, I'm fine. I promise." Was guilt eating him up? It was what he did, after all. The Chatolic guilt they always joked about. "I - I can tell how much you're worrying about me and how you're trying to make sure I'm not..." Kate sighed, shaking her head. "I'm okay. You're doing the right thing and - And it would be so wrong to leave Heather alone. She needs to be your priority and you're super allowed to want to have something close to a normal life." Her snort came out a little easier now. Because she knew she had a point.
"You don't have to do things perfectly. Or carry the weight of things being perfect. I can tell you're... You're so worried about how you're pulling the band-aid off, you know?" But he shouldn't be mothering her like that.
He had even told Heather about her? About how he worried about her?
Kate leaned over the counter to be a little closer to him, her voice quieter but firm. "We are partners. And I couldn't have a better one. You know I trust you with my life." For good reason. Even when he could barely stand up himself, Matt had found her in the middle of the night. He had carried her somewhere safe where Claire had saved her. They both did. "I value this so much, how you don't want me to be upset because things are not turning how I want them to be."
What does that make her, though? A spoiled child that's upset over not getting her way? She knew Matt would never mean that, would never consider her that. But it was hard not to see herself that way. Because yes, she is upset. But he is not letting go of that plan, he is letting her know that if circusmtances were other way, he'd go for it. Her home and Danny's will still help people and their mission. They'll make it work out.
"But I want you to trust me not to be another source of things that give you extra worries." She squeezed his hands. "I'm here for you. You can also tell me about the stuff you worry about. You don't have to always say the right thing and worry about how I'll react." Had he been dwelling on these things since he heard her and Clint talk? No. Before that.
"Is this why you were so quiet during dinner?" He had been messaging Heather. He was fixing things while wondering how he'd share the news. "Look, I get it. In your position, it would be eating he up, Matt." Without thinking, she started rubbing the back of his hand, unconsiously trying to give him a gesture with as much comfort as she was desperatedly trying to find with her words. "What I'm trying to say is, I really appreciate how you're looking after me right now. But I also wanna look after you by not giving you more reasons to brood on stuff. I'll be fine. We are gonna be fine. You have a right to give priority to your personal life too."
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streetlevel) wrote2024-12-23 08:39 pm
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Her mood had sure improved a little as Clint presented that whole bag of arrows for her to check out. Kate's face said it all, her mouth turning into an 'o' shape of wonder as she pulled out a few, checking the labels attached to each shaft and getting excited every time she found a new description.
That is, until Clint completely caught her around a curve and totally by surprise. Her jaw dropped as her brain went at full-speed through every possible excuse. "I'm not - I'm,,, It - It had nothing -- It has nothing to do with Matt," she argued. Oh, God, what if he hears? Will he worry? "I was shot today, Clint."
Good. Good, play the victim card. Sometimes those work.
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He smiled a little as she exclaimed over the arrows. They could divvy them up and replenish her stock tomorrow, and he'd do as promised and teach her a few new tricks in how to make them. It seemed like she could use a little treat.
The expression on his face said that he wasn't buying her answer. He knew Kate well enough to know it had to be something she really didn't want to talk about for her to play the victim card. Most vigilantes would rather die than admit they cared at all about having been hurt. Case in point, the idiot in the living room. "You were shot today. I don't buy that's what is bothering you now, so you could just say you don't want to talk about it instead of lying to me. To which I'd say you should tell someone, because right now isn't the time for anyone to let things fester. And that we could all use some shut eye if you need to sleep on it."
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Realizing she'd quickly gone through every novelty in the bag, Kate started putting the arrows back in. It was a nice pause for her to think after Clint had started calling her out on her worries.
Unlike their previous conversation, in which she had no clue that Matt might be upset about anything she might say about asking Clint to help opening the eyes of New York... This was different. This was adressing something she had never dared to say outloud. Something that made her very conscious of Matt's presence in the house and his abilities.
...
Perhaps it was a good chance to get something out of her chest. Something left at chance, since there was the possibility that he wasn't paying attention, not at all. Matt was, after all, talking to his girlfriend right now. Probably.
"It's not a big deal." Finally Kate spoke up. She couldn't look at Clint in the eye, seeming too focused on the arrow she kept rolling between her fingers. "I just worry about him sometimes. He is having a super hard time and went through so much, but keeps demanding so much more of himself."
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That was the thing about having kids. Clint had saved the world. Would he sacrifice it now for his kids including Kate?
It was better he retired, knowing his answer.
He would always choose his family.
Sharon wouldn't. That SHIELD Agent that Clint knew well, who was Laura's friend. She would save the world over anyone. Sharon would give them a head start, to run, but she wouldn't save them. She would sit back on Fisk, to catch a larger fish. Fury's protege. A position Clint never wanted. A position he couldn't fill. He wanted a family.
He didn't want Kate to ever settle for less.
He moved to sit next to her. To thread his fingers through her hair, like he did his kids. No words. He wouldn't give it voice if she didn't.
"What matters to you matters to me. Matt's fine, though. I talked to him. I'm worried right now about you."
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Not completely broody anyway. Certainly not on the surface.
Kate's smile became softer, more genuine and relaxed as she closed her eyes, tipping her head as she leaned into Clint's touch. It was such a sweet gesture. Simple and yet it felt meaningful. The sort of tenderness she had missed.
"I'm okay," she says, ignoring the nasty bruises on her face that beg to differ. Right now, their hearts were so heavy that the real load was in the way they carried them.
God, is it really okay to speak? It should be. This is a private moment between her and Clint, why shouldn't she speak her mind?
"But, it's like..." Trying to find the words and, most importantly, know if she'll regret about saying them outloud, Kate stares at her own lap. At the way her fist has closed around the blanket. "I can't go back home yet. And Matt lost his place, he lost everything. We've been pretty much on the run every night, pretending things are normal during daytime. Barely sleeping and recovering."
Matt had covered for her so many times. Putting excuses for her to rest a little longer, convincing their hosts to distract her in some way as he left to do patrol earlier. Always granting her those extra five minutes of rest.
"It's tough. I know you know, because I know you've been through worse." With the Avengers or SHIELD. Clint sure had his rough patches. Times in which he stayed low, hiding, on the run. "So I know you know the importance of having a good partner. I have that in Matt."
Kate's gaze met Clint's.
"So yeah, I know he is not fine."
Is he listening?
"It's like we all expect him to carry the weight of the city on his back, because he'll do it. He is doing it. And I worry about him. Because I know he can take it." Even if it ruins his life.
"I just really, really wish he could have..." She trails off, frowning lightly as she tried to find the words. What? A normal life? Matt's tried that and for a while, she lost him. Is that the cost? Losing him again at the cost of Matt having a good, normal life? If Fisk had not returned, maybe that's what would have happened. He would be living a nice, normal life. Still helping others by finding justice in court, coming back home to a loving girlfriend. Getting a dog of his own. The white picket fence. Starting the family he's always wanted.
And Kate might have never heard of him again.
"I just want him to be happy."
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"As for Matt being happy, he's probably as happy as he can be with his city under Fisk's thumb. As happy as we all are. He's not the only one carrying weight right now, and I'd imagine he'd be the first to point that out." At least he sincerely hoped Matt wasn't just moping around moaning about how tough his life was rather than actually being a leader right now. If he was doing that, Clint would give him a literal kick in the ass. "So the best thing we can do is get some rest and be ready for tomorrow. Claire's probably made up his bed on the sofa like she said, so you and I get this room for the night." He gave her a smirk. "You better not have started snoring."
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She wanted to argue, to argue with each point Clint was making and remind him that he's not been around, he does't get how things were. But she had to agree on one thing: she's incredibly tired.
The joke earned him a little playful shove in response.
"I might have started kicking."
And yet, without further arguing, Kate laid down and pulled up the covers, trying to get as comfortable as the wounds and worries would allow her.
Soon enough, they both settled down. Claire checked on them one last time, but Clint and Kate were more than comfortable. For how long did Kate manage to sleep, though? It was always so weird to sleep at a stranger's house. Or maybe she was simply too on edge lately.
Eventually, once her eyes were used to the dark after staring at that ceiling for so long, Kate slipped off the bed. Careful not to wake Clint up, she very slowly pulled the door open, limping as she made her slow way towards the living room, heading for the bathroom.
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He imagined it had more to do with her not leaving Matt behind than the logic of her other arguments. "You can always ask if he wants to stay, too. Either your place or the penthouse is certainly big enough, and in a nice enough area that Fisk would think twice about blowing it up anyway now that the blackout mania is over."
Matt did hear what was going on in the bedroom. What he took away from the concerns voiced was that he was not appearing as a good leader or partner. He was coming across as weak, as broken down, as someone who inspired worry rather than hope. He didn't know how to fix that, he couldn't unwind the clock and fix mistakes when he didn't even know precisely all he'd made.
Clint did make a fair point about Kate going back to her place. Matt only meant to keep her from it the night of the blackout when the task force was operating entirely under the cover of night. Now that there was power in the city again, carrying out daytime assassinations had to be much more carefully plotted than what was done to his apartment. They wouldn't mean nearly as much as taking down vigilantes in the streets. He didn't think anyone was going to barge down Kate's door or Heather's. Today in the streets they had wanted to catch Matt on camera fighting.
His fingers lightly worried over the edge of the blanket on top of him, listening to the breathing going on around him. Claire, on the air mattress in the living room with him. Clint and Kate in the bedroom. Clint and Claire slept lightly, but he could tell Kate was awake. His eyes were open, not that he saw anything, facing upwards towards the ceiling as he heard her go towards the bathroom.
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For the first time in a while, Kate was feeling hopeful again. Had found something to look forward to. How come she and Matt had not brought it up yet?
Careful to be as quiet as possible, she headed to the bathroom, wincing once it was time to flush the toilet. Silence. Hopefully nobody woke up.
But, as she slowly made her way back to the living room, she complerely miscalculated things. Kate doubled-over in pain, covering her mouth to stop the knee-jerk reaction of crying out. Instead, she cursed under her breath.
Stubbing your toe is the worst pain ever.
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She heard the movement before she saw the shadow join her in the hallway. Guilt instantly caught up with her. "Shit, I'm sorry," she whispered. "I didn't mean to wake you up, I'm so sorry."
And yet, Matt was as calm and gentle as ever, not sounding bothered in the slightest.
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With his free hand he reached up and rubbed the stubble on his face. He really did need to shave. "You want some tea? It's not good tea." At least by Matt's standards. It seemed perfectly suitable to most of the population.
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Wait, did he? Maybe he didn't listen at all! He just... Well, he had been listening now while the apartment was quiet and they were all supposed to sleep. It's not that weird, it's not like he can help it!
"Yeah, I think I'd like that." She isn't exactly picky about tea. "After all those naps today I'm wide awake." Nevermind that she's used to pull all-nighters. Being awake at this time for them is normal.
She tried not to limp too obviously as she followed Matt to the kitchen. "I can't believe you didn't pass out after the day you had."
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Bringing it down, he let his fingers find the kettle on the stove, then started to fill it with water.
"My mind was too busy, I guess. It does that." A beat. “You must be glad having Clint around now.”
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And she is really thankful to always have him so close.
Reaching the kitchen, she turns on the light even though he doesn't need it. But she does. She's extra careful, pulling a chair to sit down as he looks around the cabinets.
"Yeah, it was a really nice surprise. Clint is like, the closest thing to family I have now." Kate shifts on the seat, her body aching in that position. "Besides, now we have an Avenger on our side."
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He was just tired. That was it.
He considered the rest of what she said. No, now probably wasn't the time to question whether she saw her mother as family still or not.
"The city is lucky to have him back. And I'm glad he's back for you, too."
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She didn't need to read the lines on his hand to notice the lack of enthusiasm. But it didn't have anything to do with how tired he was, did it? Back at Josie's Matt could barely stand anymore, but he had been adamant on how important it was for them to get all the help they could.
"It's lucky for all of us," Kate corrected him. "We need all the help we can get and having an Avenger endorsing us will sure change some minds."
She did, however, remember what Clint said.
"It's gonna be a little push. Support for people to understand what we are trying to do."
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His knuckles ached in a way that he knew they were freshly dented. Heather was going to have questions about them. About how he was looking most nights these days. How was he supposed to explain why going to the office to work every night ended in injury? If he was honest with himself, he can't.
There wasn't any way he could see moving in together ending well if he wasn't honest, but if he was honest, wouldn't she hate him for being Daredevil?
A problem for the morning. For now they were still on Clint. "I said the city was lucky. I get it. Do you take anything in your tea?"
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"Two sugars if you can find some." She frowned lightly, rubbing his thumb between her fingers.
"You know, Clint and I were talking and I think he made a great point about something. I was gonna tell you in the morning."
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He opened several wrong cabinets and cursed lightly under his breath when a wrong container was nearly knocked offer, muttering, "Don't overstuff your cabinets," in rebuke at the air. He wouldn't say it to Claire's face. Eventually he found the sugar. Little chemical packets. He made a face as he set them on the table for Kate.
A part of him was dreading this talk. He was still waffling on his decision to move in with Heather. He didn't want Kate to be hurt. If he didn't show the proper enthusiasm by Kate's standards and didn't say the right thing, he might upset her again. Clint had already rebuked him once for failing to be what the people around him need. An anxious ball formed in Matt's gut that he tried not to let show as he located two mugs and began to pour in the water.
"I'm gathering you want to tell me now instead. What did you want to say?"
Of course he knew, but sometimes people wanted to still own the agency of saying something rather than having Matt just say he already knew.
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He's probably just tired.
Kate waited patiently, fighting the urge to come and give him a hand. In a way, and even though she doubted Matt would be very annoyed by it, it still felt wrong to help the blind guy over a task so simple.
"Well, since we both are gathered here tonight..." Kate pointed out in that usual joyful voice of hers. She picked the packets of sugar Matt had finally handed over, twisting them in ther hands as she pinched on corner just to move to the next one.
"Things are still dangerous. But Fisk could have attacked us in any of the places where we've been staying and has chosen not to. I was thinking..." Clint had dared to say the words outloud. A thought Kate had entertained but that felt wrong. She couldn't go back home and leave Matt on his own. And inviting him to come over? No... What if he thought that she...? No. Besides, they had a system. It had been working. They were still testing the waters on what would be Fisk's next move, anyway. Now they knew.
Besides, if Clint himself didn't see nothing wrong in them finding a new base at her place then why shouldn't she offer it? It clearly meant nothing. Even her mentor knew that.
"Why don't we use the penthouse as our base? You can stay for as long as you want, pick one of the guest rooms. We have plenty of room, so I can restock on trick arrows. And, you know, there's no way Fisk will dare to attack in that part of the city. We can keep the buddy system this way." Looking after each other at all times. "And there's plenty of room for whoever might need a safe house." She sat a little more upright, the brightness of her smile putting a big contrast with how bruised her face looked. "I promise to stock the kitchen with only organic food." A beat. "Well, mostly."
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Plus, Matt knew that Kate had wanted to return to the penthouse since the night of the blackout.
He gave a small, tired smile at her mention of organic foods. The smile then faded a little. It sounded like Clint was staying in town for now, so Kate wouldn't be left alone. Still, for some reason it felt like he was abandoning her if he didn't go with her. Just based on what he'd overheard, Kate saw them as partners. As a team. She wouldn't leave him behind. Was he leaving her behind to go to Heather's?
"It's a decent idea. I'm sorry. Today was just a lot." A beat. "Heather asked me to move in with her." He held up a hand. "I already know all the reasons why it's a terrible idea. I'm just worried about her living alone, and being as close to Fisk as she is. I told her that even if we broke up she could always call me if she was in trouble, but I don't know if she'd take me up on that.
You're my partner too, though. I'm not leaving you behind, either. And I don't want to jeopardize our mission by living with Heather.
It's just a lot. None of which I wanted to put on you, least of all tonight, but I didn't want you to think my not smiling right now was because it was a bad idea. It's not. I just want to keep everyone safe and I'm figuring out how to do that."
Another beat.
"What non-organic food are you stocking up on?"
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And then it all broke apart.
Surely Matt felt it, the way her heart shattered a little. He had been prepared, holding his hand up to keep her from protesting. Being as gentle as possible as he picked up the pieces while Kate tried to wrap her mind around what Matt was saying: he was going to live with Heather. But how? What about Daredevil? Was he going to stop coming to patrol at night? How would he explain the wounds he was collecting whenever things got nasty with the task force? What about their system?
Matt spoke calmly, proving he didn't have any aswers to Kate's questions but that he knew in advance she was going to make them. As if he already knew this conversation was coming. As if he had rehearsed the perfect way of sharing the news. He had been careful and thoughtful, trying to reassure her even though he could predict she had a sour lump stuck in her throat.
He had called her his partner. They were a team. He wasn't leaving her behind.
"You heard, didn't you?"
Matt had been prepared for this conversation. Like this was another one of his cases and he was giving his final argument, leaving Kate full of questions but with the impression that there was still hope ahead.
He had even closed up his final argument with a joke. Kate couldn't help but smile sadly as she tried to wrap her mind around the fact that this was happening. Things were changing and it wasn't the perfect idea she had fabricated in her mind.
What food would she have stocked for him?
"I don't know," she shrugged, now again fidgeting with the little packet of sugar in her hands. "Anything that makes you happy."
At the end of the day that's what it is about. He is going back to Heather, hopefully to have something close to a normal life. Isn't that what Kate insisted that she wanted for him?
For Matt to be happy.
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Matt didn't have that person any longer, and he desperately needed Foggy right now. He needed someone to talk through everything that was going on but who wouldn't be hurt by every word he said. Even now trying to tiptoe around landmines on the ground, to be what Kate needed while also not leaving Heather by herself with Fisk, he felt like he was failing. He didn't know the right thing to do or say, what was the smartest maneuver, what was the option that would keep everyone he cared about alive and well.
Even Karen who was his second oldest friend at this point he didn't want to bother because Frank was missing.
He needed Foggy. Matt needed him.
A flash of anger at his dead friend came, at Bullseye, at the world. At God. It was swiftly followed by guilt, and an awareness that wallowing would do nothing. Still. He felt alone and like he was just hurting everyone around him, and he needed help by someone. There just wasn't anyone who could fill that role.
Matt took a sip of his tea and leaned forward, covering Kate's fidgeting hands with his. They were rougher than a lawyer's should be, and warm from the mug he'd been holding. He'd give it one more shot. If he made her feel worse, he'd just suggest they all go to sleep.
"I heard. I wasn't try to. It's very hard for me to block things out on a good day." Let alone a day like today. "Even if I hadn't heard though, I would have said what I said. I do consider us a team, Kate. I told Heather that I would not abandon you. She didn't understand, but she accepted it. I don't know what's going to happen with her and I. I really don't. I think we should have a base that people can come to and stay at. Josie's is good for meetings, but it can't house people who might need someplace to crash from time to time. Especially if we keep Claire's to just those who are injured. Your place and Danny's make the most sense to use for those purposes. And I will be over there, just maybe not all the time. I'm still going out at night. I won't ever let you be alone if it's a night I'm not there. I promise you that.
I'm just trying to ensure nobody is alone. And I know I'm not doing it perfectly. I'm trying to get better at it."
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Kate wasn't mad at him. Or at the circumstances. But was also becoming very aware of what he was doing right now. Matt had not hesitated on reaching out, on placing that rough palm that radiated the warmth of his mug of tea and covering Kate's hands with it. It was what Matt always did with everyone, wasn't it? Making sure he could somehow protect everyone and shelter them from any form of pain. Whether it was at night and at his most feral or while using a suit and being almost nurturing. Matt Murdock was a man that gave it all to make sure people were cared after.
And Kate could tell. He was desperate to say the right thing and protect her right now. Protect his friend of something he didn't have control over. Protect Kate while trying to have somewhat of a normal life, while trying his damnest not to make her feel like he had betrayed her.
"Matt..." Letting go of the packet of sugar, she pulled one of her hands from under that calloused but gentle palm of his, covering it with one of her own. As warm as his hand was, Kate found that the back of it was cold. Nobody, nobody was there to protect Matt himself. Nobody showed the same care, nobody was there for him to try and make sure he wasn't driving himself mad with all those worries.
She didn't want to give him more reasons to worry.
Out of the blue, Kate chuckled softly.
"Matt, I'm fine. I promise." Was guilt eating him up? It was what he did, after all. The Chatolic guilt they always joked about. "I - I can tell how much you're worrying about me and how you're trying to make sure I'm not..." Kate sighed, shaking her head. "I'm okay. You're doing the right thing and - And it would be so wrong to leave Heather alone. She needs to be your priority and you're super allowed to want to have something close to a normal life." Her snort came out a little easier now. Because she knew she had a point.
"You don't have to do things perfectly. Or carry the weight of things being perfect. I can tell you're... You're so worried about how you're pulling the band-aid off, you know?" But he shouldn't be mothering her like that.
He had even told Heather about her? About how he worried about her?
Kate leaned over the counter to be a little closer to him, her voice quieter but firm. "We are partners. And I couldn't have a better one. You know I trust you with my life." For good reason. Even when he could barely stand up himself, Matt had found her in the middle of the night. He had carried her somewhere safe where Claire had saved her. They both did. "I value this so much, how you don't want me to be upset because things are not turning how I want them to be."
What does that make her, though? A spoiled child that's upset over not getting her way? She knew Matt would never mean that, would never consider her that. But it was hard not to see herself that way. Because yes, she is upset. But he is not letting go of that plan, he is letting her know that if circusmtances were other way, he'd go for it. Her home and Danny's will still help people and their mission. They'll make it work out.
"But I want you to trust me not to be another source of things that give you extra worries." She squeezed his hands. "I'm here for you. You can also tell me about the stuff you worry about. You don't have to always say the right thing and worry about how I'll react." Had he been dwelling on these things since he heard her and Clint talk? No. Before that.
"Is this why you were so quiet during dinner?" He had been messaging Heather. He was fixing things while wondering how he'd share the news. "Look, I get it. In your position, it would be eating he up, Matt." Without thinking, she started rubbing the back of his hand, unconsiously trying to give him a gesture with as much comfort as she was desperatedly trying to find with her words. "What I'm trying to say is, I really appreciate how you're looking after me right now. But I also wanna look after you by not giving you more reasons to brood on stuff. I'll be fine. We are gonna be fine. You have a right to give priority to your personal life too."
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