She was still processing it all. Aware of all her conflicted emotions. Aware of the fact that even as she spoke to Clint, she had known there was high chances that Matt would be following every word that was uttered in that room. And that he couldn't help it.
Kate wasn't mad at him. Or at the circumstances. But was also becoming very aware of what he was doing right now. Matt had not hesitated on reaching out, on placing that rough palm that radiated the warmth of his mug of tea and covering Kate's hands with it. It was what Matt always did with everyone, wasn't it? Making sure he could somehow protect everyone and shelter them from any form of pain. Whether it was at night and at his most feral or while using a suit and being almost nurturing. Matt Murdock was a man that gave it all to make sure people were cared after.
And Kate could tell. He was desperate to say the right thing and protect her right now. Protect his friend of something he didn't have control over. Protect Kate while trying to have somewhat of a normal life, while trying his damnest not to make her feel like he had betrayed her.
"Matt..." Letting go of the packet of sugar, she pulled one of her hands from under that calloused but gentle palm of his, covering it with one of her own. As warm as his hand was, Kate found that the back of it was cold. Nobody, nobody was there to protect Matt himself. Nobody showed the same care, nobody was there for him to try and make sure he wasn't driving himself mad with all those worries.
She didn't want to give him more reasons to worry.
Out of the blue, Kate chuckled softly.
"Matt, I'm fine. I promise." Was guilt eating him up? It was what he did, after all. The Chatolic guilt they always joked about. "I - I can tell how much you're worrying about me and how you're trying to make sure I'm not..." Kate sighed, shaking her head. "I'm okay. You're doing the right thing and - And it would be so wrong to leave Heather alone. She needs to be your priority and you're super allowed to want to have something close to a normal life." Her snort came out a little easier now. Because she knew she had a point.
"You don't have to do things perfectly. Or carry the weight of things being perfect. I can tell you're... You're so worried about how you're pulling the band-aid off, you know?" But he shouldn't be mothering her like that.
He had even told Heather about her? About how he worried about her?
Kate leaned over the counter to be a little closer to him, her voice quieter but firm. "We are partners. And I couldn't have a better one. You know I trust you with my life." For good reason. Even when he could barely stand up himself, Matt had found her in the middle of the night. He had carried her somewhere safe where Claire had saved her. They both did. "I value this so much, how you don't want me to be upset because things are not turning how I want them to be."
What does that make her, though? A spoiled child that's upset over not getting her way? She knew Matt would never mean that, would never consider her that. But it was hard not to see herself that way. Because yes, she is upset. But he is not letting go of that plan, he is letting her know that if circusmtances were other way, he'd go for it. Her home and Danny's will still help people and their mission. They'll make it work out.
"But I want you to trust me not to be another source of things that give you extra worries." She squeezed his hands. "I'm here for you. You can also tell me about the stuff you worry about. You don't have to always say the right thing and worry about how I'll react." Had he been dwelling on these things since he heard her and Clint talk? No. Before that.
"Is this why you were so quiet during dinner?" He had been messaging Heather. He was fixing things while wondering how he'd share the news. "Look, I get it. In your position, it would be eating he up, Matt." Without thinking, she started rubbing the back of his hand, unconsiously trying to give him a gesture with as much comfort as she was desperatedly trying to find with her words. "What I'm trying to say is, I really appreciate how you're looking after me right now. But I also wanna look after you by not giving you more reasons to brood on stuff. I'll be fine. We are gonna be fine. You have a right to give priority to your personal life too."
"It was part of why I was quiet." There was a lot swirling around Matt's mind. Clint's very reasonable reminders of what it meant to be a good leader. Heather's needs, and her safety. Kate's needs, and her safety. The mission right now as a whole. "Sometimes it's also nice just to listen." Everyone always leaped to how overwhelming his powers must be, and they certainly could be plenty of times. What people didn't know was that it also was sometimes nice.
Matt liked hearing the joy in people's voices. Hearing the happy thrums of their hearts. Feeling the warmth they radiated.
"Sometimes when I'm really tired, it's easier to just focus on holding back the tide of sensory information outside and focusing on what's nice around me. Stick used to make me do it so I could pick out a single heartbeat or smell in a crowd to target an assassination, but... I like to just sometimes focus on a laugh." A beat. "You have a nice laugh. And Clint and Claire were really happy, too." It was just nice to exist for a moment, in a way only he can.
"A part of me didn't know what to say. I'll own that. But I wasn't just sitting there in distress the whole time." He'd felt overwhelmed and clung to what made sense and helped him ride that tide. His friends' voices, heartbeats, and smells.
"You are part of my personal life. Every one of my friends and loved ones, in a mask and out of it, you're all a priority. I'm not brooding just because I'm figuring out what's needed to ensure you're all safe and able to live the lives you deserve. Maybe a part of that means living with Heather, maybe it doesn't. It just matters to me that you know that I would never leave you alone.
... not even Claire is left alone even though she keeps shit tea."
Kate listened, taking in everything that Matt said and looking back, finally understanding him a little better. Thankful, for the fact that he had just needed a little silence in his head and simply to take in what was going on around him. "Sorry I assumed..."
Picking the packets of sugar, she peeled a stripe on the very top and poured it in her tea. She still wondered if that conversation he'd overhead had upset him in some way. Maybe it just had been for the better. It had prepared him to talk to Kate and know what to say instead of upsetting her.
Because deep down, she was. She mourned a little the fact that things were not turning out as she had hoped. "Maybe we are simply not meant to be roommates," Kate joked, her tone lacking its usual humor. First his place had been blown up, now he had a much better offer.
But he had been quick to remind her of her value in his life. Being part of his 'loved ones' did feel like something to be proud of. She knew she'd clint to those words like a torch in the darkest of night.
"We need more of, well, this part of the night." Not the getting shot and beaten, thank you very much. Now nursing the warm cup of tea between her hands, Kate blew on it a couple of times before taking a sip. She couldn't understand why it was so shitty, in Matt's opinion. "I mean, cooking meals and connecting with people. Late night conversations, that kinda stuff. Building more than just an army."
"No. It was a fair assumption. It was a really long day." Matt had been subdued in the bedroom. He hadn't been as upset as he'd been when he'd sneaked out the window, but he hadn't been full of enthusiasm, either. It had been nice to just sit quietly with his thoughts and listen to everyone, especially since he was worn out and trying to figure out what to say, but he could easily see how it might have come across as pure wallowing. "Sometimes I can just be quiet, though. I know. Shocking." He smiled in self-deprecation at that quip at his own expense. "And I guess I was a little worried about you and everyone."
Hearing her bring it back to them being roommates, he paused then said gently, "I'll still see you over there, and you'll see me at my new place. I told you that you're stuck with me." Then, more seriously, "You're not alone in this. Just don't complain to me if Peter finds out and wants to crash there, too." He couldn't help it, adding in some jokes just made these conversations easier.
He blew out a sigh and took a long sip of his tea. He rolled stiff shoulders to ease their ache. "Yeah. Community is important. We need to be able to trust and uplift one another." He remembered how he inspired worry in Kate, and again felt a pang of doubt at his leadership abilities. Stick had long ago told Matt that he was a leader, and Matt had laughed in his face. What would the old man say now?
"All right, then. We got a little time to finish our tea. Let's talk. What's the most random conversation you've had at this hour?"
That was the thing. This is not some wasted opportunity. Nor is the universe teasing her. They were back to, sort of back to how things were. Living their separate lives, meeting at night to look after the city.
Matt is just stepping into a new stage of his relationship. And wasn't that what Kate had encouraged as she insisted he ought to take Heather on a reconciliation trip? Spending more time together. That was a done deal now.
It had all had been so much easier to say back when it felt like a distant reality.
"Hey, I'll be happy to give Peter his own room if he is game." Peter's just one of those guys who instantly improves the mood. Sure, they have different styles, but she's sure that if Peter stayed over she'd probably learn a thing or two from him. And he would probably design some real cool trick arrows for her as he promised.
She needed to remind him of that promise.
There's a short-lived silence as they both sip on their tea and, out of the blue, Matt shifts the conversation towards something completely different. The move steals a quiet and yet clearl gleeful sound out of Kate before she puts her mug down.
"Hmmmm." It didn't take a long consideration for something to come to mind. It was an anecdote she had shared before with close friends on nights when alcohol kept running while loud laughs followed. "Okay. This is probably the most random and awkward one too. I hope you appreciate it."
Taking another sip of tea, she seemed to conjure the strenght to go back down that particular memory lane. "So, it was like a couple of years ago. I met this guy and we hit it straight away. He comes home and we have one of those nights when you're like, having a sex marathon, you know what I mean? Like fucking in every position and everywhere, passing out and then waking up to fuck again?" In a way, she likes talking about this in detail. It makes her feel almost on an equal ground as him. It's not something she'd ever feel comfortable discussing with Clint. But Matt? They're partners. Close friends. It's okay.
"He was doing great even if I had to fake my orgasms. Because the rest of the performance? A+ for effort." Kate waved a hand. "But anyway. He's just done eating me out and starts getting all romantic. Comes up and we go at it slowly, he starts talking, like wanting this deep, meaningful conversation. And all of a sudden? He freaking tells me that I remind him of his sister."
Before Matt could say anything, she held her palm out as if to stop him.
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streetlevel) wrote2024-12-23 08:39 pm
no subject
Kate wasn't mad at him. Or at the circumstances. But was also becoming very aware of what he was doing right now. Matt had not hesitated on reaching out, on placing that rough palm that radiated the warmth of his mug of tea and covering Kate's hands with it. It was what Matt always did with everyone, wasn't it? Making sure he could somehow protect everyone and shelter them from any form of pain. Whether it was at night and at his most feral or while using a suit and being almost nurturing. Matt Murdock was a man that gave it all to make sure people were cared after.
And Kate could tell. He was desperate to say the right thing and protect her right now. Protect his friend of something he didn't have control over. Protect Kate while trying to have somewhat of a normal life, while trying his damnest not to make her feel like he had betrayed her.
"Matt..." Letting go of the packet of sugar, she pulled one of her hands from under that calloused but gentle palm of his, covering it with one of her own. As warm as his hand was, Kate found that the back of it was cold. Nobody, nobody was there to protect Matt himself. Nobody showed the same care, nobody was there for him to try and make sure he wasn't driving himself mad with all those worries.
She didn't want to give him more reasons to worry.
Out of the blue, Kate chuckled softly.
"Matt, I'm fine. I promise." Was guilt eating him up? It was what he did, after all. The Chatolic guilt they always joked about. "I - I can tell how much you're worrying about me and how you're trying to make sure I'm not..." Kate sighed, shaking her head. "I'm okay. You're doing the right thing and - And it would be so wrong to leave Heather alone. She needs to be your priority and you're super allowed to want to have something close to a normal life." Her snort came out a little easier now. Because she knew she had a point.
"You don't have to do things perfectly. Or carry the weight of things being perfect. I can tell you're... You're so worried about how you're pulling the band-aid off, you know?" But he shouldn't be mothering her like that.
He had even told Heather about her? About how he worried about her?
Kate leaned over the counter to be a little closer to him, her voice quieter but firm. "We are partners. And I couldn't have a better one. You know I trust you with my life." For good reason. Even when he could barely stand up himself, Matt had found her in the middle of the night. He had carried her somewhere safe where Claire had saved her. They both did. "I value this so much, how you don't want me to be upset because things are not turning how I want them to be."
What does that make her, though? A spoiled child that's upset over not getting her way? She knew Matt would never mean that, would never consider her that. But it was hard not to see herself that way. Because yes, she is upset. But he is not letting go of that plan, he is letting her know that if circusmtances were other way, he'd go for it. Her home and Danny's will still help people and their mission. They'll make it work out.
"But I want you to trust me not to be another source of things that give you extra worries." She squeezed his hands. "I'm here for you. You can also tell me about the stuff you worry about. You don't have to always say the right thing and worry about how I'll react." Had he been dwelling on these things since he heard her and Clint talk? No. Before that.
"Is this why you were so quiet during dinner?" He had been messaging Heather. He was fixing things while wondering how he'd share the news. "Look, I get it. In your position, it would be eating he up, Matt." Without thinking, she started rubbing the back of his hand, unconsiously trying to give him a gesture with as much comfort as she was desperatedly trying to find with her words. "What I'm trying to say is, I really appreciate how you're looking after me right now. But I also wanna look after you by not giving you more reasons to brood on stuff. I'll be fine. We are gonna be fine. You have a right to give priority to your personal life too."
no subject
Matt liked hearing the joy in people's voices. Hearing the happy thrums of their hearts. Feeling the warmth they radiated.
"Sometimes when I'm really tired, it's easier to just focus on holding back the tide of sensory information outside and focusing on what's nice around me. Stick used to make me do it so I could pick out a single heartbeat or smell in a crowd to target an assassination, but... I like to just sometimes focus on a laugh." A beat. "You have a nice laugh. And Clint and Claire were really happy, too." It was just nice to exist for a moment, in a way only he can.
"A part of me didn't know what to say. I'll own that. But I wasn't just sitting there in distress the whole time." He'd felt overwhelmed and clung to what made sense and helped him ride that tide. His friends' voices, heartbeats, and smells.
"You are part of my personal life. Every one of my friends and loved ones, in a mask and out of it, you're all a priority. I'm not brooding just because I'm figuring out what's needed to ensure you're all safe and able to live the lives you deserve. Maybe a part of that means living with Heather, maybe it doesn't. It just matters to me that you know that I would never leave you alone.
... not even Claire is left alone even though she keeps shit tea."
He made a face but he drank it. Ugh.
no subject
Picking the packets of sugar, she peeled a stripe on the very top and poured it in her tea. She still wondered if that conversation he'd overhead had upset him in some way. Maybe it just had been for the better. It had prepared him to talk to Kate and know what to say instead of upsetting her.
Because deep down, she was. She mourned a little the fact that things were not turning out as she had hoped. "Maybe we are simply not meant to be roommates," Kate joked, her tone lacking its usual humor. First his place had been blown up, now he had a much better offer.
But he had been quick to remind her of her value in his life. Being part of his 'loved ones' did feel like something to be proud of. She knew she'd clint to those words like a torch in the darkest of night.
"We need more of, well, this part of the night." Not the getting shot and beaten, thank you very much. Now nursing the warm cup of tea between her hands, Kate blew on it a couple of times before taking a sip. She couldn't understand why it was so shitty, in Matt's opinion. "I mean, cooking meals and connecting with people. Late night conversations, that kinda stuff. Building more than just an army."
A community.
no subject
Hearing her bring it back to them being roommates, he paused then said gently, "I'll still see you over there, and you'll see me at my new place. I told you that you're stuck with me." Then, more seriously, "You're not alone in this. Just don't complain to me if Peter finds out and wants to crash there, too." He couldn't help it, adding in some jokes just made these conversations easier.
He blew out a sigh and took a long sip of his tea. He rolled stiff shoulders to ease their ache. "Yeah. Community is important. We need to be able to trust and uplift one another." He remembered how he inspired worry in Kate, and again felt a pang of doubt at his leadership abilities. Stick had long ago told Matt that he was a leader, and Matt had laughed in his face. What would the old man say now?
"All right, then. We got a little time to finish our tea. Let's talk. What's the most random conversation you've had at this hour?"
no subject
Matt is just stepping into a new stage of his relationship. And wasn't that what Kate had encouraged as she insisted he ought to take Heather on a reconciliation trip? Spending more time together. That was a done deal now.
It had all had been so much easier to say back when it felt like a distant reality.
"Hey, I'll be happy to give Peter his own room if he is game." Peter's just one of those guys who instantly improves the mood. Sure, they have different styles, but she's sure that if Peter stayed over she'd probably learn a thing or two from him. And he would probably design some real cool trick arrows for her as he promised.
She needed to remind him of that promise.
There's a short-lived silence as they both sip on their tea and, out of the blue, Matt shifts the conversation towards something completely different. The move steals a quiet and yet clearl gleeful sound out of Kate before she puts her mug down.
"Hmmmm." It didn't take a long consideration for something to come to mind. It was an anecdote she had shared before with close friends on nights when alcohol kept running while loud laughs followed. "Okay. This is probably the most random and awkward one too. I hope you appreciate it."
Taking another sip of tea, she seemed to conjure the strenght to go back down that particular memory lane. "So, it was like a couple of years ago. I met this guy and we hit it straight away. He comes home and we have one of those nights when you're like, having a sex marathon, you know what I mean? Like fucking in every position and everywhere, passing out and then waking up to fuck again?" In a way, she likes talking about this in detail. It makes her feel almost on an equal ground as him. It's not something she'd ever feel comfortable discussing with Clint. But Matt? They're partners. Close friends. It's okay.
"He was doing great even if I had to fake my orgasms. Because the rest of the performance? A+ for effort." Kate waved a hand. "But anyway. He's just done eating me out and starts getting all romantic. Comes up and we go at it slowly, he starts talking, like wanting this deep, meaningful conversation. And all of a sudden? He freaking tells me that I remind him of his sister."
Before Matt could say anything, she held her palm out as if to stop him.
"Wait! It gets worse!"